When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
