it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
