I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
