We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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