You're so nebulous sometimes
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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