its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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