Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
