Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Just cropdusted the office
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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