I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
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It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
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We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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