Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
