Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
