I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
