the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
