i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
