I wanna passion pit in your ass
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
