my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
