I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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