Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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