Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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