90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
