why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
