Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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