She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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