I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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