She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
two words: eviction party
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
