Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
