ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
