Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
