I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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