You're my little dorito
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
