Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just sent this text using only my big toe
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
