i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
