True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
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She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
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I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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