I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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