Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
