STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
