im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
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