Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
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