I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
