This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
