I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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