At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
