Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
