Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
