My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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