Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
