I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wish you could order shots online.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
