Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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