Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
