$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
