Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
