Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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