There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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