hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
