He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
