just come out here and I will go home with you...
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
