He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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