Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
