Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
